CSS april fools

[MarD]

Heyyo,

Fire up your steam boys! valve's trying to get ya!

Friday, April 1 2005

An update is available for Counter-Strike: Source. The update will be applied automatically when your Steam client is restarted. This update addresses requests for more realism in Counter-Strike: Source. The changes are as follows:

Features/Additions

• Doubled player speed when jumping. The effect to cumulative, so the more you jump, the faster you go.
• Cut price of AWP by 50%.
• Added akimbo Riot Shield to buy menu.
• Removed de_dust from mapcycle.

Realism Enhancements:


Knives:
Between rounds, it is suggested that you unsheath the weapon and repeatedly press the attack key to air it out as the leather now collects moisture and creates pits on the blade, making it less effective in the next round.

Shotguns:
1. Firing the shotgun without ammo loaded will now cause it to jam.
2. When the shotgun jams, press F2 to fill out form DA-1823-00/A12-H8.
3. You should then hear a scribbling sound. When it stops, press F3 to send the request to LIDM.
4. Failure to do paperwork before pressing F3 will result in the immediate return of the unrepaired shotgun.
5. The repairs can take 1-2 rounds for completion. During that time, you cannot purchase a replacement firearm and may only use your sidearm or knife.

Player Models:
Several models now feature eyewear. This is a completely cosmetic enhancement with the following exceptions:

• Part EP-7829-292-2 must be purchased and worn correctly at all times in order to see during the round.
• In between rounds, you may purchase and use part EC-2231-833-H34 to clean your EP-7829-292-2. Note: that this does not clean the eyewear itself!
• To clean the eyewear, you need to purchase and use the designated cleaner, EC-2231-233-H34, EC-2231-523-H34, or EC-2231-239-H34a respectively depending on your model's eyewear. You can determine the part # of the correct cleaner by asking someone.

Machine and submachine guns:

• At least once every five rounds, press F1 to inspect the weapon:
• A musical cue indicates that the inspection has started. Now press F1 again repeatedly to clean and lubricate the weapon.
• Your Preventative Maintenance Status (either "cleaning" or "lubricating") is determined by the speed with which you press the F1 key and will be displayed above your head.
• To accurately simulate real life maintenance mistakes, pressing F1 too quickly will lubricate either the bolt face or the trunnion block. Pressing F1 too slowly sprays lubricant directly into the buffer tube. All mistakes render the gun inoperable, though this may not become immediately apparent.
• Experiment with keypress timing to avoid (and discover!) other common maintenance errors.
• In order to balance the improved stopping power of a well-maintained weapon, the reloading process has been made much less reliable.
• When reloading, you should listen for two or three distinct clicks over a period of several seconds.
• If you hear one click or no clicks or more than two clicks, you've bent the link ejector chute and the gun will most likely explode on the next attempt to fire it, though it may not.

lol... if this stuff were true.. wtf eh?

lol, I do actualy like the part abot the shotgunn the best... I would seriously enjoy that.. like, running aroudn the battlefield, scribbling onna peice of paper.. it comes back 4 weeks later (you know? cause Canada only has the worst mail system in the world... lol..) and it turns out they send back the wrong package n' it's skin tight leather suits.. a day in the life of a CT player.

[HangFire]

Dual riot shields would be awesome, get a team of CTs with them and form a testudo (sp?).

[Pierre-Marie Baty]

lol

[von Ryan]

Astérix pwns...

[biohazerd87]

wow goto the steam forums and look at all the noobs who actaully belived it... one guy was saaying that lowering the awp price was so stupid that they might as well add hacks to the game8o

[von Ryan]

Originally Posted by biohazerd87

wow goto the steam forums and look at all the noobs who actaully belived it... one guy was saaying that lowering the awp price was so stupid that they might as well add hacks to the game8o

People are so stupid nowadays...

[stefanhendriks]

actually, people where always stupid. Only a minority got smarter and unfortunatly abuses the 'majority of stupid people' to stay stupid. Instead of making them smarter... Oh well, when thinking about it, i can name atleast ONE continent with a lot of stupid people ... i'm sure PMB knows what i'm talking about

[Nova]

Originally Posted by stefanhendriks

actually, people where always stupid. Only a minority got smarter and unfortunatly abuses the 'majority of stupid people' to stay stupid. Instead of making them smarter... Oh well, when thinking about it, i can name atleast ONE continent with a lot of stupid people ... i'm sure PMB knows what i'm talking about

*jumping up and down* So can I, SO can I

[Pierre-Marie Baty]

let's see...

Australia ?

[HangFire]

Obviously. Kangaroos suck.