Depression

[Brainz]

This is an amalgamation of two posts from my blog on WhoIsJohnNebthos.com, and the WidowX forum, and have been edited for clarity. I'm not really sure as to exactly why I'm posting it, but as they say, a problem shared is a problem halved.
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I am currently suffering from a serious depression. It is messing up my sleeping pattens, and hence my degree, and it is also, at times making me suicidal. I have recently discovered that alcohol and depression, whilst being a good idea at the time, do not mix afterwards. Especially if there is noone to talk to who can understand the problem.

Fortunatly, I have recently met Fiona, who is helping me through some of the worst times, as is Matt, my room mate, and Linzi, someone I met summer last year.

Among other things hindering my recovery - and depression is considered a disease, at least by the British NHS - is the difficulty of getting my computer from home to university. Although I have found ways round getting to MSN messenger, I am unable to work off the anger that my depression can cause.

So if I seem to be in an unusually bad mood, please forgive me, especially if I make a post that is defamatory, insulting, or otherwise unlike me. It is just my way of letting my hair down, as the phrase goes.
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Why.

That's the thing that has been bothering me, why she had to let me rip my heart out like that; why she didn't tell me earlier; why she let me say it live on air, because I thought she didn't know.

She had known since that weekend apparently, when I was laying in the sleeping bag on the floor, slightly tipsy. What I said, I really don't know. But she was, as far as I was concerned, a vision of lovelines, a vision sent from above to help me through my darkest times, but it wasn't to be. Because of her, it just got darker, and darker. Then, after my show, it just turned pitch black.

Think of me in your prayers, I need all the help I can get.

Thankyou.

P.S. Where's the sad smily for the message icon?

[>BKA< T Wrecks]

Shit... posts like these are the hardest because we "normal" people cannot really understand what happens inside the heads of those who suffer from depression. I have recently met a girl on the internet... I saw her profile and thought "hey, why not write her?". So I did, she answered, and we're now writing each other more or less regularly... She also suffers from depression. Not like normal people who sometimes feel a bit down, but from depression as a chronic disease. It's recognized as a disease here in Germany, too... I have really grown to like her, and whenever I have a mail from her in my inbox, I know I've got something to look forward to. But many times, my inbox will stay empty for a long time, and then I know that she feels worse than normally... and I can't do shit about it. People don't even seem to respect her situation very much. She told me that she often got bothered by others to do them favours and spend her time for them however lousy she was feeling. And when she'd need some help, nobody's around... She even told me about a friend of hers who ran into the arms of the wrong guy, had a terrible time, got pregnant against her will etc. She took her time to help her friend, but when she went to hospital herself because it was getting really bad and called the friend whom she had helped out so much, that girl literally told her that she had "something better to do"... can you believe it?
I hope you have at least some people around you who understand you and leave you in peace when you're down instead of bugging you with their little problems... I'd like to know, can depression be cured at all? I sure hope it can... aww, excuse my post. I don't know if this helps the slightest bit, but I honestly wouldn't know what else to do... things like this leave you so helpless. I feel as if a piano player had asked me to help him out with a diffcult part, and I were wearing boxing gloves...

[stefanhendriks]

depression sucks big time. Makes 2 btw. Currently i am seeking help for my problems. The hardest thing is that people cant see it all the time, its in ur head, and only YOU can solve it. Though others can help you solve it, you have to fix the problem.

good luck man!

[Leagle]

I don't actually understand that second part -did you proclaim your love on "lunchtime lovers" or something?

[Brainz]

no, on my own show on the radio. I have a request show on the local university radio station, LCR 1350am from 5-7pm GMT on a saturday. You can listen on the internet @ www.lcr1350.co.uk

[Pierre-Marie Baty]

Funny how all depressions are similar. You can't agree with me because as usuals with these sort of things you feel what's happening to you is unique (that of which you are not *completely* wrong), and this is the very reason why any help from the outside will be utterly inefficient. It gives you enough to survive a day, but not enough to get rid of this cancer. What do they know ? They can't understand what you are living anyway, right ?

You get fooded on a day to day basis by cheerful thoughts, sayings and deeds from friends who care but yet you're in no condition for this help to be effective, and this is something you are pretty aware of. One can understand easily how a depressive feels towards his/her friends: shame, and guilt. "Don't care too much about me, you know, I'm in no shape to be cared of." Usual.

The worst thing then is definitely to fall in love. Cause here redemption in the quasi-religious sense of the term takes a particular meaning. The more of hell you know the more heaven you assume others -and THE other- lives in. A nice looking person becomes then an angel.

If you see this angel repeatedly making efforts to help you, you soon get the firm conviction that it's a sign of providence/destiny/insert your favourite god here. And then the usual garbage begins, you end up offering her your heart on a plate in a heroically ridiculous manner that is directly proportional in intensity to the gap you feel between you and her, she can't do crap but to decline, you feel her feeling sorta guilty which makes you feel even more shameful and guilty. Ship sunk, game over.

The other way around is not brighter : if the angel in question is deliberately ignoring you (be it that it has always been or because she couldn't help, like many others, noticing your current's state of mind and/or that she doesn't give a damn), you soon get the firm conviction that it's a sign of providence/destiny/insert your favourite god here, that because you're such a pitiful shit you're not worthy of her, etc, etc., which in the end can't help you feeling better, but definitely helps you getting deeper. Game over, same player plays again.

Ahhh, the joys of love

Start by realizing that what you're living is not unique. The circumstances can be, but everything else is similar to what hundreds of ex-depressed people felt before you. You don't believe me ? dude, do you REALLY think the radio session was an invention of yours ? hahaha You'll laugh at this episode in a few years, man, in front of a glass of beer, with your mates, you'll laugh so hard altogether it'll make your jaw hurt. It took me 2-3 years to work through it, but that's what happened to me.

The day you'll realize your story's not unique, only then will you be helpable. Meanwhile any attention towards you will slide on you like water on a duck's feathers. And that is what is happening to you currently. Which is why I'm destroying my wrists and my fingers to type that kilometers long reply if I want it not to be useless

Look at who you love. Say to yourself, clearly, write down in line or whatever, express what you love in her. See, it doesn't take many qualities to someone for one to fall in love with her, yet there aint no shame, no need for her to be Princess Charming. Actually she can't. Simple. Now what are you doing ? The darker you go the noblest, the purest needs your love to be, and so you charge her with heaps and piles of imaginary qualities for you decreeted that she had to be the one that would "save you". Damn. I would not feel at ease if I were that person. How the hell could I fall in love with such a guy ?

And additionally, listen to grandpa. Womens don't like Prince Charming. I don't know who's the dumb fuck who invented these love stories with sleeping princesses and heroes with ravaging smiles to wake them up, but hell it ain't working that way. Girls love men, and men with the least amount of problems possible. So be a man and quit the romantic/sensible/knight servant/heroic sufferer role. Easier said than done, granted, but read on. Know your worth. You're living, talking and thinking below yourself, because that is not YOU who's feeling depressed but the depressed avatar of Brainz. And don't take people for naives cause everybody around you can see it. Do you think people would care so much about you if you were really what you are currently claiming to be ? Definitely not.

Easier said than done, but positively doable. Just change a few habits. Like:

DO NOT force yourself to see persons you know will make you feel bad, be it an angel, a lovable creature, your Redemptor or God himself on his amiral cloud with bells and trumpets. DO NOT! Do they make you feel better ? No. So ? Don't. Stay away from them AS LONG AS YOU CAN. It took me 1 year to be able to bear a talk with a certain person again. I don't regret that time. And you know what ? If I were to see that girl again, she would have no effect on me for I found much better ones in the meantime. Which I thought initially was as impossible as 1+1=0 but I discovered later that shit happens. Indeed !

DO NOT listen to romantic/love rock/weeping ass/girly shit music. DO NOT! Do they make you feel better ? No. So ? Don't. Listen to punk, hard rock, techno, AC/DC or cartoon music if you want, whatever, I don't give a damn, but listen to music that gives you a boost, not to music that makes you feel like shit. BELIEVE ME. Additionally, music has that particularity that one usually associates a particular tune with one or several events in life. If I were to remember of a particular tune, I'd fancy avoiding it makes me feel like shit each time I hear it, especially if I was already in a shitty mood the first time I heard it. Same goes with movies. DO NOT watch romantic shit like Bridget Jones or whatnot, watch the Matrix, watch the Lord of the Rings, watch Rambo, Terminator or Daffy Duck vs. Mickey Mouse but at least for a few months forget about movies where there's love shit inside ! lol, that would not be a smart thing to do You wonder what the heck I'm asking that for ? Dude, if each time you get out after a love movie and you start thinking about yourself and your damn angel, things won't go very far that way. So just do it... NOT.

Something else in your life that could make yourself feel bad ? Throw that fucking crap away. Friends are talking to you about your "problems" ? Tell them kindly to STFU. You don't have any problem anymore. And more specifically you don't want this one to come back. You're alone and you're thinking about it ? Do something else. Wreck your head with GOOD music (not alcohol: it doesn't help). Practice a sport, anything. Go to a concert. Play a videogame. Go shopping. Read GOOD books. Do anything you like to do, or anything you're good at doing.

See what I mean ? Thinking about her makes you feel bad. So ? Don't. You can't help ? Help yourself. All I'm telling you, all I'm doing here, is giving you means to help yourself. You're not helpable, and that's a good thing, for you will sort that crap out yourself. And you will, because you can't fail : it's ineluctable. The only question is how long do you want it takes, and that is completely up to you.

</glamorous and monumental mode off>

[biohazerd87]

Originally Posted by Brainz

This is an amalgamation of two posts from my blog on WhoIsJohnNebthos.com, and the WidowX forum, and have been edited for clarity. I'm not really sure as to exactly why I'm posting it, but as they say, a problem shared is a problem halved.
_________________________________________

I am currently suffering from a serious depression. It is messing up my sleeping pattens, and hence my degree, and it is also, at times making me suicidal. I have recently discovered that alcohol and depression, whilst being a good idea at the time, do not mix afterwards. Especially if there is noone to talk to who can understand the problem.

Fortunatly, I have recently met Fiona, who is helping me through some of the worst times, as is Matt, my room mate, and Linzi, someone I met summer last year.

Among other things hindering my recovery - and depression is considered a disease, at least by the British NHS - is the difficulty of getting my computer from home to university. Although I have found ways round getting to MSN messenger, I am unable to work off the anger that my depression can cause.

So if I seem to be in an unusually bad mood, please forgive me, especially if I make a post that is defamatory, insulting, or otherwise unlike me. It is just my way of letting my hair down, as the phrase goes.
_________________________________________

Why.

That's the thing that has been bothering me, why she had to let me rip my heart out like that; why she didn't tell me earlier; why she let me say it live on air, because I thought she didn't know.

She had known since that weekend apparently, when I was laying in the sleeping bag on the floor, slightly tipsy. What I said, I really don't know. But she was, as far as I was concerned, a vision of lovelines, a vision sent from above to help me through my darkest times, but it wasn't to be. Because of her, it just got darker, and darker. Then, after my show, it just turned pitch black.

Think of me in your prayers, I need all the help I can get.

Thankyou.

P.S. Where's the sad smily for the message icon?

i know what you feel like man, i am manic drepressive and also have tried suicide, but trust me that won't solve anything, the worst part is i have OCD and ADHD and I am just your everyday 17 year old kid struggling to get along. Just look at the long run, people like you, you have friends weither you belive it or not, and if you did commit suicide would you really want to cause them the pain of having a friend die? and in the long run everything works out, which is even harder for me to believe, but you gotta take it a day at a time

[MarD]

Heyyo,

Hahaha, still rubbing that "glamarous and monumental" stuff in eh PMB? LMAO

One thing that always helps man it to do the opposite of saddness/crying, and that's to laugh. Watch some good comedy movies, read a joke, watch a comedian, whatever helps. Not only does laughing make you feel better, but actualy LENGTHENS your life, no joke man. When you laugh, it like, clenches your lung muscles, giving them a workout eh? So reminice of good times gone by, or good parts on tv shows or something, it'll help you out in more ways than 1.

Number 2, if you look at the past, and feel that you're weak or something? I think, "wow, I've come quite some way eh?" cause I used to be a little shy kid and a softey (push me over and I used to cry... on the inside of course, lol.) but now I'mma rambler, and I love the sound of my comedic ramblings. So ego? it's not that bad, as long as it's in moderation.

PMB's stuff's probably more useful to ya, just remember, try to take things bad things lightly, and if you can laugh at it yourself? all the better.

a good place for quick laughs on the net is go to http://www.ebaumsworld.com/ and watch stuff there, my faves is the GI Joe Public Service Announcements done by Fensler Films... it sucks how they're gettin like, all attacked by Matel by copyright violations, but at least there' still the laughs, I have em' all saved on my comp.

another couple good places for laughs is: http://www.stupidvideos.com (<<<some good ones there)
http://www.lowbrow.com (<<< err... only visit if you love retarded/weird-embarrasing comedy )

lol, for lowbrow, my fav post there was this: "The only thing you can say if you're wiping your ass with your roommates pillow and he walks in the room is 'surprise'." lol, man that one never gets old.

[EDIT]
OH! like PMB said, get rid of depression music and all that junk. One of the main reasons I don't like new rock that much, it's sadly becoming stereotypical, all aboot depression and failiure, one of the main reaons I've never came within like, 2 feet of a Linkin Park cd. I listen to a lot of oldies, like, KISS, David Lee Roth, AC DC, ya know? all the stuff aboot rockin out, and doin' hot chicks, and having a good time. The way rock music was meant to be.

</French-Canadian Rambling mode off... for now >

[stefanhendriks]

If its about love depression i all go with PMB. I mean, but depression in the wider sense is much worse imo.

Does the past hunt you down? It does to me. I already applied the tactic to ignore it, forget about it. It does not work dude. Yes, it worked for a few years... but some times (little moments) it striked back with these flashes of memory. Now, today i am getting the full payback, and its going on for weeks now.

[Leagle]

Originally Posted by Brainz

no, on my own show on the radio. I have a request show on the local university radio station, LCR 1350am from 5-7pm GMT on a saturday. You can listen on the internet @ www.lcr1350.co.uk

You aren't on the schedule there -old?